It starts with a narrator saying some stuff that sounds like it's from Land Before Time (which kicks this movie's ass.) and then switches to some guy named Ray who starts taking care of his ex-wife's kids. Why? I mean seriously, who would let him take care of a cockroach? He's a lazy bastard in a cramped apartment with no food. She must really hate them. And why was she getting rid of anyway? Why not take them with her?

Next thing you know, a giant, three-legged robot crawls out of the ground and starts vaporizing people. Some dude his filming (how is the camera working, everything electronic is out) the robot (how is the robot working, everything electronic is out). Our "hero" runs home, gets his kids and supplies, steals a car, and drives like hell to their mother's house, even though he knows full well no one is there. He makes some sandwiches, throws them at a window, and goes to sleep.

Right here I'd like to say something, Rachel, his daughter, is a complete bitch. She does nothing but whine, and ask retarded questions as if her fathers a psychic or something. They're outside watching an awesome lightning storm: "I wanna go inside." Of course you do, he tells her to go inside: "You come with me." What the hell? You want to go inside, go the hell inside. You don't need an escort. He comes home covered in human dust, half frightened to death, and tells them to get packed: "You're scaring me." As opposed to the evil machines which apparently came from hell? Just do as he says, idiot! They go into the basement to sleep: "I wanna sleep in my room." He should have let her, she wants to gat crushed, help her.

Next morning, he wakes up and sees the carnage. Some news people tell them the robots had been underground for millions of years. So, they get in the car and stats driving, suddenly little miss retard loudly proclaims she has to go to the bathroom. If I can hold it in to see a crappy movie, why can't she hold it in to save her life? So, he stops to let her go for some reason, and she disobeys his orders to stay in sight. Some stuff happens with the army, and they're on the road again. Eventually, they get to a city, and instead of just flooring it through the crowd, they drive slowly as to allow everyone a good shot a hijacking the car. When he finally does floor it, he swerves away from some idiot lady standing with a baby in the middle of the road and crashes. A big fight occurs over the car, and he messes up another great shot of getting rid of Rachel the retard.

After some walking, flaming trains, and flipping boats, they get to another town. There's an army attacking some robots, and Robbie, Ray's son, tries to join them. Ray, for some reason, leaves Rachel by a tree (finally), and tries to stop him, but eventually fails. While he's arguing, some gay pedophiliac old lady tries to take Rachel with her for molestation on the go, but Ray for some reason gets her back.

While fleeing, they go to some freak with a gun's cellar. Great life lesson. Hey kids, always remember to go into some old creepy stranger's basement if they ask you to. No, really, don't (damn Christian soccer moms don't understand the concept of "Kids are Idiots"...I mean "Sarcastic Comedy") Anyway, so they go in, Ray and Mr. Problematic take turns touching the little twit in a place or a way that makes her feel uncomfortable, a big tentacle comes down (obviously wanting its own turn), searches around, then leaves, some aliens come down, poke stuff, then leave, some red vines grow, a guy gets his blood removed, the psycho goes even more crazy and starts loudly digging a hole, Ray kills him, more uncomfortability, another tentacle comes and get chopped up, the little pansy runs, and he tries to find her (for some reason).

He goes outside to see the town covered in vines, some robots casting a cool silhouette against a red sun, and his little "shame and sorrow" being chased by one. He throws a grenade he found very conveniently at it, and hides in a car. The 'bot starts examining it like a turtle, and out of nowhere the dumbass appears (instead of running away) and screams. What the hell? Then the 'bot starts going for her, and she just stands there. What the hell? Then it picks her up, and she screams again. What the hell?

He gets out to save his daughter (for some reason) and gets abducted. He is then released put into one of the robot's two Nourishment Upholding Tanks, or N.U.T.s. Eventually, a Nourishment Interception by Producing Prehensile Limbs of Electronicness, or N.I.P.P.L.E. opens up and a tentacle comes and grabs some random guy and takes them back into the N.I.P.P.L.E.. Eventually, it opens again, and goes for Ray, but he still has the grenades. Everyone works together to get him out, and when they do, he leaves the 'bot with a little parting gift. It explodes, and more walking commences.

They get to Boston too see a dead robot. He asks an army dude what happens, and is told the 'bot just started trippin', then fell over. They are then given a visual aid. Another 'bots starts going haywire, they blow the crap out of it, it falls over, and pukes up some orange soda and an alien. An officer starts poking it with his gun, and proclaims it dead. So, Ray and Rachel go to his ex's house start hugging, and find Robby still alive. Then it's over. It's not really an ending, it just stops. Very unsatisfying

It turns out our air and water was too impure for the aliens. That is so stolen from Invader Zim (which kicks this movies ass). They were here for millions of years; you'd think they'd know our atmosphere. They have giant robots, but no water filters. And why were they attacking anyway? What was the point? If they wanted to destroy us, just blow the world up. If they wanted to take over the Earth, then enslave us. If they wanted our blood, shoot the Earth with an AIDs beam and take the remains. Easy. And aliens attacking isn't really that original. It's never been original. It was played out when they invented the Universe. Steven Spielberg has really been going down hill, bombarding us with all this generic crap.

And what about the robots? How could it possibly be practical to have three legs? It's just a waste of material. And why did they loudly proclaim their position by farting? That had to smell. And why did the army keep shooting at the head? It was pretty obvious there was a force field. They should have made a chainsaw launcher and shot the legs. Or maybe did like in Star Wars and hog-tied the suckers. And if they were underground for millions of years, no one noticed...Why?

Why was the movie even called "War of the Worlds"? They said themselves, it wasn't a war, it was an extermination. And there was no other worlds. There wasn't even any flying objects. The only flying thing besides some birds was your everyday plane, which was on the ground.

My dad said Robbie reminded him of me. I dunno, I guess so. He was the smartest person in the movie. He gets home, goes straight to bed. He waits till the last minute to do a report. He helps people onto the boat. He refuses to run away, and goes off to kick some ass. And after facing legions of alien tripods, he and his badass self survives. He wins the movie.

Over all, I give this movie a less than good...Out of five