“Ring, ring!” yelled the telephone at the CCC Headquarters. Zero picked up the phone, was greeted by the US Secretary of Ninjas, and was told President Reagan had been suddenly kidnapped by ninjas. There was only one dude bad enough to save the president: Soda-Sama.

Unfortunately, Soda was busy at the moment.

Five hours later, once the Super Saturday SciFi Special was over, he got right on it.

Obviously, the first course of action was to locate where the ninjas had brought him. This task was made easy by the fact that ninjas had an unhealthy obsession with causing collateral damage and murdering innocents. By simply following the trail of destruction, Soda soon found himself right outside Ninja Headquarters, USA.

The place was colossal pagoda with a series of 8 gates, each guarded by traps and challenges of increasing difficulty. Soda could easily have teleported inside, but he decided to amuse himself by taking the “hard” way.

Behind the first gate, the Gate of Soapening, was a web of tripwires hooked up to crossbows, so an intruder would be instantly entangled like George Bush in a sentence and punctured like Harry Whittington on a hunting trip. Soda was about to take a step inside when he noticed the trap. Then, he stepped inside. The wires burst into flames in the presence of his awesome might, and the crossbow bolts bounced off his rock hard abs.

The second gate, the Gate of Zest, held a gigantic pit. Soda saw this and smiled. He crouched down, stood up, and cleared the pit in one epic leap.

The third gate, the Gate of Wife, was its own challenge. It was two feet thick, made of lead, and locked. Soda drew back, and smashed the gate with a single titanic Falcone… PAWNCH!.

The yard within the fourth gate, the Gate of Grain, was home to an array of spiders, dogs, and rats. They gathered around Soda, about to attack, when Soda used his mind powers to stop them and force them to enter the next gate before he did.

Soda walked through the fifth gate, the Gate of Dozing, past piles of charred, butchered animals, and on to the sixth gate.

The sixth gate, the Gate of Troy, was a living wall that would only open for one who could answer his three riddles. Soda punched it in the face and continued his quest.

The seventh gate, the Gate of Chalk, had an army of 100 ninjas guarding it. Soda saw the ninjas hiding in the shadows, drew his sword, rushed to the center of the field, was soon surrounded by the ninjas, laughed, and taught them the meaning of the word batrachomyomachia.

He was finally at the eighth gate, the Gate of Seth. He slowly opened it to find a big, hungry, fire-breathing dragon. Unfortunately, since there were no flames around, the dragon was suffocating. Soda removed a brick from the wall and squeezed it on fire, allowing the dragon to breath and consequently befriended it.

Soda rode the dragon to the highest room of the pagoda, where Reagan was being held hostage. Together they flew back to Washington, DC, and enjoyed a nice round of dracoburgers.